neizod's speculation

insufficient data for meaningful answer

Why It's Hard to Say Sorry?

Thursday, October 4, 2018, 07:57 PM

One thing that kept me wondering for a long time: why couple seems to say “I’m sorry” to each other easily, but not for the breakup?

Well, one may recall a life lesson that relationship goes on with apologies, a magical word that resolves most, if not all, conflicts between people.

But what if the one who says it doesn’t believe they’re wrong? Only saying it to keep their relationship work out. Yet they’re not feeling sorry at all… I think this entry from @justmota sums things up there.

The why part, which I want to add, is that we’re good at making blames, but not at taking it.

Because accepting other’s perspective that we’re wrong and apologizing them hurt our ego so much. It’s almost automatic that we counterattacking the one who criticizes us, to make us feel safe in our comfort zone—A zone where we can be our mad self as much as possible, ignoring the urge to grow up and be a better version of us—without following a train of thought and ask ourselves whether we’re actually wrong or not.

This defense mechanism might be suppressed when we’re in a relationship. Why bother fighting the one we love and risk pushing them away? Just blame ourselves (but screaming in our mind that we’re not wrong) and apologize them!

See a paradox here? We don’t want to apologize, but we forced ourselves to. Whether it’s a meaningless apologize that we doomed to repeat again and again, or an overthinking one with believes that we are not wrong at all. Either way, this adds toxic to a relationship.

So I think that’s why (most of) breakup couple mean no more apologies. Not because they stop loving or became hating each other, but because they can’t stand themselves being wrong anymore.

However, if we look beyond trying to be Mr.&Ms. Right. When we’re truly realizing by ourselves that we’re wrong, apologizing never hurts. On the contrary, we can’t stand ourselves if we can not let them know the we are sorry! Take an example of a fighting couple where someone dies before the makeup. (OK, maybe I’m too dramatic here.)

The important question is: how long are we gonna learn that we’re not perfect and prone to make unintentional mistakes all the time? So instead of dodging the blame, just let them sink in, think it through, and apologize if found out guilty.

Yes, the first step for saying sorry, is being sorry.